Teenage Marriage Part 7.1 – Sacrificial Courtship

No matter what method you choose to court someone, the goal should not be on making ourselves happy, but pleasing, honoring, and helping the other person. It could be said that a Christian marriage is the ultimate expression of earthly love. No feeling is stronger felt that that between a husband and wife, it is a bond that unites two people for a lifetime, a bond forged so strongly together that they become, in a sense, one person. Therefore, when we go to the Scriptures for guidance on how to treat our “significant other,” We must focus on God’s commands regarding love, which are plentiful (to say the least).

What is love? “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.” (1Co 13:4-8a) While that verse is not necessarily referring to romantic (eros) love, the principles still apply. Romantic love is brotherly (phileo) love with a few added traits (primarily physical), so all of the attributes of phileo love should also be attributes of eros love. That has massive implications on how a husband and wife (and consequently, a boyfriend and girlfriend) should treat each other in a romantic context. A cursory overview of some of the prominent passages on love (Matt 5:46, Luke 6:32, John 14:15, Rom 5:8, 12:9, 13:10, 14:15, 1 Cor 13:4-8, etc) should make it clear to us that loving someone is not about what we get in return.

When God commands us to love Him, He commands us to do so by obeying him(John 14:15). That is sacrificial love – making God’s desires more important than our own. When He commands us to love others, He commands us to love those that cannot give us anything in return (Matt 5:46, Luke 6:32). Again, this is sacrificial love in that we are commanded to make the other’s persons concerns more important than what we can get out of the relationship. Love is not a symbiotic relationship, it’s goal is not that both parties gain. We love someone by giving them a part of ourselves. It is nice when they love us back in that way, but we are not to expect that. We should give without any thought of reward. How much more this should apply to a marriage/courtship relationship!

This is why a marriage between any two believers should work out. The only reason we believe that it takes a certain two people to make a relationship work is because we think that the perfect marriage is between two people that complete each other, that make each other happy. However, when we operate by the biblical concept of love, the perfect marriage is when two people live to make the other person happy without any regard to their own happiness. This is also why some of the best marriages we see are where one person has a disabling condition that requires the other to look after them continuously. These people have a perfect marriage because one of them has devoted their life to loving the other person, even though they can never give them anything in return.

When we examine the scriptures, we see that the most prominent aspect of true biblical love is self-sacrifice, even that love between two romantic lovers. The best marriages are built, not in the sands of pleasure and happiness, but on the rocks of sacrifice and loving care.

Teenage Marriage, Part 6 – Romantic Maturity

What is “Romantic Maturity?” I’m sure you’ve heard of emotional and spiritual maturity, but romantic? Not a phrase you hear often*. What does it mean? Well, “romantic maturity” means that you have learned to control your romantic emotions. The problem we run into there, though, is that most people think of romantic emotions as something that’s supposed to control them, supposed to influence their actions. After all, isn’t “love” a requirement to any type of romantic relationship? Isn’t it what is supposed to be the deciding factor in the question of whether or not to marry someone? Doesn’t everyone ask themselves “am I in love with this person” before asking or agreeing to marriage? No. Letting “love” control our relationships is a sign of emotional and spiritual immaturity.

Let’s get two things clear: 1) love is not a feeling, and 2) love is not out of our control. The spiritually mature person does not “fall in love” or become “madly in love” with someone – as if love is an enormous pit or mental disease.** In John 13:34b, Jesus told the disciples ”As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” And how has God loved us? “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16) However, in the Garden Of Gesthemane, Jesus prayed to His Father “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” (Matt 26:39b) Jesus did not want to suffer and die on the cross, but He did anyway. He chose to love us. John 15:13 says “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” We demonstrate love by choosing to lay down our lives for those we love. John 14:15: “If you love me, you will obey what I command.” Again, we demonstrate our love (this time to God) by choosing to obey Him. I could quote scriptures like these until I’m blue in the face, but I think you get the point: love is not a feeling, it is a choice.

So how does knowing that love is not a feeling demonstrate itself in our “romantic maturity?” Well first, it affects who we choose to pursue. We do not pursue someone because we are “in love” with them, we choose to love them because we are pursuing them. If you “fall in love” with someone, you’ve done just that – fallen. Fallen into a trap the devil has set for us. There is, in fact, only one type of love that is a feeling, best explained by the (Ancient) Greek word for it – έρως, pronounced “eros” – where we get our word “erotic” from. Eros is sexual love, the love which in the Bible is only associated as either the love between a man and his wife, or between two people having a sinful sexual affair. The love we should feel for our sisters in Christ (which is the only true biblical status of a “boyfriend” or a “girlfriend”) is both φιλία (“phileo/phillia”) and αγάπη (“agape”). Phileo love is the love felt between brothers and sisters, or between good friends (ex: Philadelphia – The City Of Brotherly Love). It is best known in the English as “brotherly love.” Agape love is unconditional, self-sacrificing, thoughtful love for another person, most commonly seen in God’s love for us in sending His Son to die on the cross for us.

We show romantic maturity (and consequently, emotional and spiritual maturity) when we can control our emotions so that we cast off eros love during a courtship and replace it solely with phileo and agape love. Eros is what the secular culture thinks romantic relationships are based off of. Eros is what we feel when that certain someone walks into the room and our heart flutters and we become nervous. It is also what causes us to desire to push a relationship’s physical boundaries. However, according to the Bible, eros shouldn’t even be considered until marriage. Song 2:7 says: “I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the does of the field, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.” To understand Song Of Solomon, one must first understand the culture under which this relationship was taking place. The Song of Songs (I prefer that over The Song Of Solomon as it isn’t certain that Solomon wrote the book) is a poem of love between two people who are engaged/betrothed to be married. The first part is a dream (“On my bed by night I sought him…” [not implying a sexual encounter as the rest of the book clearly reserves that for marriage and they are not married at that point in the story]) the girl has in anticipation of the consummation of the marriage on the wedding night. Then, after a short section dedicated to the actual wedding, the poem finishes with a description of that consummation. Some people tend to skirt this book when reading their Bible, as they are confused by it’s fairly graphic descriptions of erotic love. However, this book is the perfect source to go to when looking for an example of how romance should be practiced. It is important to note that this book describes the relationship between two people who are betrothed; that is, engaged. Two people in a dating/courting relationship (or any relationship in which a lifetime commitment has not been made) should not do or even think about the things spoken about in the Song of Songs in regards to each other.

When you look at the Song of Songs, it is important to note the control they have over their love (eros) towards each other. Chapter 4 is a very visually graphic description of her physical beauty by the young man (whomever he may be), but they both still refrains from physical intimacy until after the wedding, only describing their desires towards each other in the first part of the book. This type of love is in the Bible as the prime example of the romance between two (lifetime commited) lovers. Their expressing of their love towards each other shows maturity in their patience. They knew that their love wasn’t about physical intimacy or feelings, but that those things were merely the benefits of a healthy, godly, loving relationship between a husband and wife.

So obviously, after examining The Song, eros is unacceptable outside of marriage. Now what about agape and phileo? In the Bible, there was no stage of romance in between friend and betrothed. I don’t think there is any biblical principle for it anywhere in the Bible. So, biblically, the status of a girlfriend and boyfriend (or two suitors in a courtship) is the same as the status of a brother in Christ and a sister of Christ. Eros only enters after a lifetime commitment has been made. That means that, until the engagement/betrothal, all romance is out of the picture. The love between the two should be that of phileo and agape, an unconditional, self-sacrificial love between two siblings under God. If you choose to take the courtship or the dating route, you must keep the relationship at a getting-to-know-you stage in which you evaluate each other to determine whether or not a marriage would work out. The young man must prove himself to the young lady by demonstrating that he is capable of providing, protecting, and leading a family. If she sees these qualities in him and is ready to get married, a commitment should be made, at which point the two should allow themselves to “fall in love” with each other. Yes, at that point you can allow each other to fall into a pit of eros love from which you cannot escape – as you should never need to.

As we can see, the way the world conducts romance is the polar opposite of how God expects us to conduct romance. The world tells us that we should marry based off of eros love, the Bible tells us that eros love is merely a byproduct of a healthy marriage. Therefore, one of the marks of a God-sanctioned courtship is romantic maturity – a trait which is demonstrated by the couple’s ability to steer clear of physical and romantic emotional intimacy before a commitment is made.

*Actually, I just made the phrase up myself, so chances are you’ve never heard of it before.

**Analogies taken from Joshua Harris’s I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Chapter 4.

Christianity And Music

“Christianity and Music”

How should we, as Christians, relate to/participate in the modern music scene? This topic has been debated for centuries, but it is one that has received special attention in the past hundred years or so with the invention of modern electronic instruments that changed the way in which music was written and performed drastically. Some people say that modern music (Rock, Metal, Hip-Hop, Rap, Electronic, Trance, etc) should be completely shunned by believers as the product of a sinful and depraved world. Others say that we should embrace these new methods in order to better relate to the world around us and to more efficiently spread the Gospel. But while both of these have positive aspects, I do not believe that either hits the mark.

What kinds of music should Christians listen to?

Fundamentalists would tell us that modern music is unacceptable. As I understand it, that means any instrument invented in the past 100 years or so. That would include acoustic, electric and bass guitars (although I think some groups/denominations allow acoustic guitars), as well as any electrically powered instrument. They believe that all music participated in should be worshipful, and all worship through music should be as similar as possible to that done in the Bible.* However, I have discovered it impossible to find biblical support for the religious beliefs of the Fundamentalists regarding music. For instance, Fundamentalists believe that it is wrong, disrespectful and irreverent to clap, jump, sway back and forth, or raise one’s voice above others at any time during a worship service. However, Ps 47:1b says “Clap your hands, all peoples! to God with loud songs of joy!” (emphasis added) – Something that would outrage a Fundamentalist congregation were someone to try it. (see also ps 33:3, 81:1, 95:1-2, 98:4-8, etc) It’s obvious that God means for worship through music to be a joyful, exciting (“clap”), experience. That excludes the types of worship through music generally practiced by Fundamentalists and “uber”-conservative Christians.

At the other end of the spectrum, we have the liberal and Emergent (conservative and liberal) categories of churches who use all types of music in their worship, usually CCM (which generally consists of a light rock/acoustic musical style with Christ-centered lyrics), but occasionally even extending to Hip-Hop or Metal. Even some conservative Christian churches allow and even encourage listening to modern forms of music, but they would hesitate before using it in a worship service, since some members of the congregation would disagree with it’s use and they do not wish to cause undue strife. I would tend to align myself with this group (see the churches/ministries of John Piper and John MacArthur for examples). When I look at the music as practiced by the Israelites (interesting note: there is no mention of the NT church ever using any musical instruments), I see them using the same instruments as the cultures around them – harps, lyres, cymbals, flutes, tambourines, trumpets and something called a Gittith (ps 8,81,84). They didn’t do anything to distinguish themselves musically from the cultures around them, at least not for any religious reasons. Another interesting point is that the music in most of our traditional hymns was actually written to be purposefully similar to most of the popular songs of the day so that the people could remember/sing them easier. The fact is, at any given time in the Bible, the songs sung by the Isrealites/Christians the Bible were considered “modern”. So it is with most of Protestant Christian history. This and the facts before establish that modern music should not be rejected simply because it is modern – in other words, there is nothing inherently sinful in modern music. Now let’s discuss the current form(s) of modern music in more specificity.
Are there any genres of modern music that are inherently sinful to listen to?

A lot of Christians who accept genres like Rock or CCM still say that genres like Hip-Hop, Rap, Electronic, and Metal are still sinful to listen to/participate in because they are specifically designed to generate sinful thoughts or feelings. However, I have listened moderately to extensively to every major, minor and sub genre of Electronic, Hip-Hop, Rap and Metal. I can vouch that none of these genres inherently cause sinful thoughts in every person that listens to them. In 1^st Cor 10:25-31, Paul tells us that “the earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it,” which in context is telling us that nothing on this earth is inherently sinful. He is speaking of food in this case, but he tells us to eat all foods without reserve, not questioning the moral value of anything put before us – but to refrain from eating anything that we know will cause another person to sin. It seems logical to assume that the same principle applies to music. Just like we shouldn’t refuse Chinese food or Mexican food if it was put before us, so should we not object to rap music or hip-hop, and we can even grow to like, enjoy, and participate in these dishes or bands. However, if we are with someone who we know takes offense at those genres or those dishes, or with someone who thinks that they are inherently sinful (regardless of whether or not they are wrong), we should abstain from participating in them. Just like we shouldn’t cook pork for a Seventh-Day Adventist, we shouldn’t listen to Lecrae (Christian Hip-Hop) where a Fundamentalist can hear it.

But what about secular artists? Is it okay for us to listen to artists who make no pretensions about being Christian (or those who say they are but aren’t)? I’d say yes, to an extent. We obviously shouldn’t listen to music that is very blatantly anti-God or satanic just like we shouldn’t eat meat that is very clearly sacrificed to idols (1 Cor 10:28), but there’s not necessarily anything wrong with listening to morally neutral secular music, just as there is nothing wrong with eating food prepared by a secular cook. Again, however, we shouldn’t listen to anything that we know will either be a stumbling block to ourselves or to others (regardless of whether or not they are wrong in their convictions). Many people object to this under the principle of 1^st Cor 10:31, “Whether you eat or you drink, or whatever you do, do it all to the glory of God.” They say that secular music does not glorify God, therefore we shouldn’t listen to it. But are all things secular inherently non-glorifying to God? No, as the whole world screams God’s glory to all people. Should we stop using computers because they are made by non-Christians? No, of course not. People would respond to that argument by saying that a computer can be used to glorify God because it is the things you do with it that determine it’s spiritual worth, but since that can’t apply to secular music, it must be sinful to listen to. I would agree with the point about computers and point out that that principle can be applied to music. It isn’t what you do with the music that makes it right or wrong, but it is what it makes you do that determines whether or not it is sinful. If it inspires you to do good things, then it shouldn’t be shunned. But if it causes sinful thoughts to enter your head and marr your conscience, then throw it to the dogs of Hell asap. Listening to beautiful classical music made by a secular composer can help us meditate on His Word. Likewise, emotionally charged music can cause us to try to make a difference in the world, especially through politics.

Unless it causes them to sin, Christians should not reject modern forms of music simply because it is modern. After all, any type of music used in the Bible or throughout the history of Christianity was considered modern by the cultures around them. However, we should refrain from allowing our participation in modern music to be a moral stumbling block to others (Christian or non-Christian) who don’t share our views. Secular music can be listened to as well, as long as it generates positive feelings and attitudes in us.

* I represent the beliefs of Fundamentalists to the best of my ability without claiming to do so either perfectly or completely.

Teenage Marriage – Part 5.2: Parental Involvement

1. The relationship between the mother and the couple is one of counseling and encouragement. She is an incredible resource for the young man in helping him understand the young lady (1 Pet 3:7) and is can be a great encourager in (or against, if need be) the relationship. She has gone through what the young lady is going through at some point in her life, so she can provide valuable insight into what the young lady is thinking or how she might react to something the young man is contemplating doing. For the young lady involved, she (these guidelines apply to the mothers of both families interacting with either person, not just the mother of the given child) can be a fountain of wisdom, since she has lived with a man for many years as a result of the kind of relationship that she is going through right now. Even if one of the sets of parents is divorced, a non-christian or has had a bad history in romantic relationships, they will have gained valuable insights from their mistakes as well as being able to say what things should not be done. Additionally, the young man can learn a lot about what his prospective wife will be like in the future by observing her mother.
2. The relationship between the father and the young lady is different depending on which father is involved. For the girl’s father, his role is one of authoritative guidance – he sets the rules in the relationship and he gives the young man his ultimate answer as to whether or not he is allowed to pursue the young lady. The young lady must respect and honor any and all decisions her father makes in regards to the relationships, and should pass any turning event in the relationship through him first. In regards to the suitor’s father, the girl would do well to observe him, especially in his interactions with his wife, since that will give her a good idea as to what her suitor will be like in the future (like the suitor should be doing with her mother). One good idea I have heard of is to imagine the suitor’s father married to the suitee’s mother and see how good of a match they would be, since this is in a sense what will be happening, since the young lady’s main influence in her life is her mother and the young man’s greatest influence in his life is his father.
3. The relationship between the suitor and his father is one of mentorship. The suitor’s father provides him with advice and counsel and plays a vital role in the decision-making process and approves or disapproves the match. The suitor can still proceed even with his own father’s disapproval, but that should only be done if the suitor believes that his father’s judgment in this matter is/has been compromised in some way (nonchristian father who disapproves because the girl is a Christian, for one example). Mainly, however, the relationship between the suitor and his father during the courtship (or whichever method you choose) should be one of mentorship and counseling.
4. The relationship between the suitor and the young lady’s father is one of authority. The young lady’s father should guide the relationship and set the standards and guidelines for the relationship, especially in behavior and intimacy. Whatever her dad (or a godly father figure that she chooses if one is not available) says, goes. Period. He is to be the one giving her away, and he must be allowed to go to whatever lengths necessary to determine whether or not the young man he is giving her to is able to protect, lead and provide for her, spiritually, emotionally, physically and financially. If her father does not approve of the relationship, that is the end of the matter (except in cases like the one above where the father is a nonchristian objecting for religions (or anti-religious) reasons, or for similar reasons such as racism against an interracial marriage. Even then, a godly father-figure should be chosen by her to approve/disapprove any prospective suitors)

Sadly, today’s culture teaches that parental involvement in our romantic life is “being nosy,” inappropriate, or old-fashioned (in the negative sense). If you notice, though, along with the development of that concept and similar ones has come the rise of the divorce rate and unhappy marriages and relationships. Maybe if we listened to our parent’s wisdom and experience we would never have gotten in those relationships in the first place. Most older adults can give the younger generations plenty of advice on how to do (and not to do) relationships. Maybe it’s time we took a listen.

Let the wise hear and increase in learning, and the one who understands obtain guidance, to understand a proverb and a saying, the words of the wise and their riddles. The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction. Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and forsake not your mother’s teaching, for they are a graceful garland for your head and pendants for your neck.

(Pro 1:5-9)

Teenage Marriage – Part 5.1: Parental Involvement

One of the biggest differences in how we pursue marriage compared to how it has generally been done in the past is the level of parental involvement. In the past, especially in The Bible, the suitor’s parents were vital to his choosing of a spouse, with them usually suggesting a bride and almost always providing vital feedback on the girl in question, whether or not they were involved in the initial selection. When the suitor wished to make his intentions known, the first people he would go to would be the girl’s parents, even before telling the girl herself in some instances. He would be evaluated by the girl’s parents and approved or disapproved before he would be allowed to pursue their daughter. If they disapproved of the match, that was the end of the matter – unless they decided to elope, making themselves outcasts of society and exiles of the family. Now, parents are rarely informed of romantic intentions or feelings until the two are about to set a wedding date (unless the two lovers are teenagers, in which case the relationship is usually discovered by the parents despite the couple’s best efforts to hide it). However, the Bible clearly teaches parental involvement in our romantic relationships, as they are wiser and much more experienced than we are in these matters and are in parental authority over us (this applies to both christian and non-christian parents). If we truly desire to honor God in our romantic relationships, we must rely on our parents for advice and counsel when choosing a spouse (guys) and for the final yes or no on the relationship (girls).

In all of my studies of marriage and courtship/dating/betrothal/etc, the biggest difference I have seen between typical relationships and relationships between two passionate Christians who eagerly desire to honor God is how they interact with the two sets of parents involved. True Christians desire to honor and respect their parents and realize how much experience and wisdom they have to impart (regardless of whether or not they are also Christians) in this critical period in their lives. They go to them for counseling and they respect and encourage their respective roles. If their parents are unwilling to participate in the relationship, a lot of mature Christian couples will even try to find another pair of mature Christian, married adults to act as their spiritual parents during the relationship, delegating on them the responsibilities usually reserved for their legal parents.

I’m going to assume that you are already aware of the parent’s responsibility to participate in their child’s romantic life, so I’m not going to use up more space proving that. However, I’m sure many of you aren’t entirely clear on exactly how they are to be active in those relationships, and most of them that do would disagree with each other in many of the details. While each family will do things a slightly different way, and I believe there is no set list of rules on how to get married presented in the Bible (given to the Israelites, yes. Us, no.), there are several biblical principles that must guide our decisions here (and this is more to the parents than to the young adults. If you are one of the latter, this is what you should be encouraging your parents to be/do) that are clearly set forth in the Bible. They are in four categories, 1) the relationship between the mother and the couple. 2) The relationship between the father and the young lady, 3) the relationship between the suitor and his father, and the relationship between the young man and the girl’s father.

Upcoming

The Teenage Marriage series (which will have 8 parts total, by the way) is going to be a book! It’ll be given away as a free PDF download here and at Crosseyed Blog And Webzine (probably) and will be sold as a small paperback at Lulu.com or something similar (if you know any better sites, let me know) without the aim to make a profit off of it (meaning really cheap and I’ll most likely be giving some away).  It won’t just be these posts all posted sequentially as chapters, I’ll be going through it and adding more Bible references and elaborating on many parts that I didn’t have the time or space to do as a blog post.  If you have any questions on anything I’ve said up until now, please ask them, I’ll try to answer them and may address it in the book.

Also, after quite a long hiatus, I should be posting Part 5 over the weekend. Question, though: do you prefer entire Parts/Chapters at a time or small sections of them?

On Free Speech

A friend of mine wrote this and asked me to post it on my blog, and since I happen to completely agree with everything said, I told him that I’d be happy to. Without further ado,

On Free Speech

Dear people of America,

Since the election of Barack Hussein Obama a year ago, and to some extent for two or three years before that, our American right to free speech has been repeatedly violated by both Republicans and Democrats. The Democrats tirelessly work to silence any public opposition to their cause in the media or in the courtrooms, while the Republicans openly attack and denounce anything that is associated with the Democratic party in a non-negative way. Both parties do their best to prohibit the opposing party from presenting their opinions in any public forum, all the while claiming that it is the other party that is the one who is taking from them their Constitutional right to free speech. The political chaos that this causes comes from a misunderstanding of the 1^st Amendment in our Constitution. You see, free speech is not something that you can claim yourself while denying to others. While this may seem obvious and something that every sane American would nod their heads in agreement to, it is rarely practiced. We Americans have somehow begun to believe that we have a right to not be offended. Well, sorry to Fox News and the “Gay Rights” movement, but you guys can’t yell foul every time someone does something that offends you. Fox, Obama has the right to call you names and ridicule you if he wants to. Gay people, Judge Roy Moore has a right to publicly display his Christian faith while administrating your case in court. Does it offend you? Sure. But your demanding him to take down a personal plaque of the Ten Commandments and to stop public prayer in the courtroom offends him (and directly violates the 1^st Amendment’s religious freedom clause). You cannot demand that he not offend you because in doing so, you are depriving him of the very right you claim in practice to posses – to remain unoffended. Everything everyone does is offensive to someone, it is simply a part of life. As an American citizen, I have a right to offend you.

It is an enormous logical fallacy to claim that the right to offend is offensive and therefore needs to be abolished, as that would simply be exercising the very right that you are trying to eliminate! The right to free speech granted to us by our political forefathers must imply a right to offend. I have a right to offend you, you have the right to offend me, it can be done no other way. If we were not allowed to offend one another, our government would be gradually and eventually replaced by an oppressive dictatorship, since no body of citizens would ever be allowed to offend the government by voicing their disagreements with it’s policies. This is the very thing that Fox News has been doing (I am not here to discuss whether or not they are right in their assertions, just their right to make them) towards the Obama administration, which resulted in Obama’s attempted repression of their rights to free speech as a result of his administration’s supposed right to remain unoffended, which led to Fox’s denial of Obama’s right to free speech as a result of their supposed right to remain unoffended… see the problem here? That cycle of plays out daily, if not hourly, between the various political influences of today, bringing only chaos and dissension to the nation. Lines are being drawn, either side of which is labeled either Democrat or Conservative, almost as if the nation is heading itself towards another civil war. America must learn that we have to be allowed to offend one another unhindered. We must learn tolerance, and not the tolerance that the liberals have that tells us to tolerate all points of view – unless that point of view involves intolerance. No, we must learn to tolerate even those who cannot tolerate us. Only then will we truly be the Americans that our forefathers fought and died for.

-Publius

“Say The Words” – DC Talk

I am posting the lyrics to this song here in the context of my last three posts.

“Say The Words” by DC Talk:

Solomon once wrote:

“Better is open rebuke, than hidden love”

So say the words…

Silence is golden but these are the words

That the world needs to hear

(Brothers and sisters)

Terms of compassion will cause a reaction

As love drives them near

But still we choose to hide behind the face of pride

Pretending we are blind to the calling

This is my point and case, if hate can be erased

With such a simple phrase, why are we stalling?

(chorus)

Say the words, say the words, say “I love you”

Say the words I long to hear

Say the words, say the words, say “I love you”

Say the words I long to hear

Ya gotta say it, ya gotta say it, say it

Ya gotta say it, ya gotta say it

Some just assume we already know

Of the love that they feel

(Brothers and sisters)

Some have a heartfelt emotion

But never the words to reveal

I think we all relate, so why are we afraid

To let our hearts convey what we’re feeling?

There is a world in need with hungry souls to feed

And love can intercede if we’re willing, so…

(chorus)

(Check this out)

The word love, well it was once overused

Back in the 70’s the word was abused

But I refuse to let love be diluted

We can’t allow physical lust to intrude it

Or pollute it cause there ain’t no excuse

For the greatest gift of all to be abused

So choose to lose the pride that may tug at you

Don’t be afraid of the words “I love you”

Won’t you say the words, say the words

Say the words, “I love you”

(You’ve got to say it)

Say the words, say the words

Say them over and over

(Yeah, you’ve got to say it, say it)

(Brothers and sisters)

Choose to lose the pride that may tug at you

Don’t be afraid of the words “I love you”

Download the song from AmazonMP3 here.

Teenage Marriage – Part 4.3.3 – Uncomplicating Marriage

Part 4.3.3

Part 4.1/Part4.2/Part 4.3.1/Part 4.3.2/Part 4.3.3/

“But why should we even risk those kinds of assumptions in the first place? Isn’t it better to just steer clear of close, affectionate guy-girl relationships without romantic intent?” Well, I’m glad you asked See, God made men to need a woman in their life, and vice versa. This need is eventually fulfilled through marriage, but there are still 20 or more years of our life where we aren’t married Are we to simply ignore our God-given desires for these guy-girl relationships? No. Before you go all Fundamentalist on me, think about the relationship between a close sister and brother. Is it the same as the relationship between two brothers or two sisters? No, absolutely not. It’s a lot more intimate, a lot closer, a lot more affectionate. …Because of our need for a close companion of the opposite gender. And what does Paul say about other young ladies? We already discussed this: treat them like sisters. Guys, do you treat your sister like most people tell you you should treat other girls? Girls, same question to you about your brothers. I hope not, that’d be incredibly cold of you. Yes, the relationship between a brother and sister is not at all like the relationship between a husband and a wife. But that is because the husband/wife relationship is what the brother-sister relationships we have before marriage prepares us for. Men, imagine trying to “live with your wife in an understanding manner” (1^st Pet 3:7) if you haven’t had any close relationship with any girl before then! You wouldn’t have a clue why she breaks down crying when you get her a blender for her birthday or a toaster for your anniversary! “But I thought you like to blend stuff, honey!” “I DO! *sobs* YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND! *runs to room to cry*” …Amen? Cassie is the ultimate resource whenever I need to know how to treat girls or understand why they are so emotional sometimes. We can benefit sooo much from good, healthy, loving relationships with people of the opposite gender.

However, since there is the possibility (even though it is remote if the relationship is done in a right manner) of assumed intentions and impurity, I would recommend that, if possible, you make your close guy-girl relationship(s) be with a sister(s). 5 of my six sisters are adopted from foreign countries and come from backgrounds that make it hard for them to have close relationships with guys, even brothers, and I have never been particularly affectionate with my one biological sister, her personality doesn’t really allow for it. So, for me, having someone like Cassie in my life is an amazing blessing.

Don’t be afraid to develop good, loving relationships with girls that will never go past just friends, no matter what the culture tells you. Don’t give into the peer-pressure/fear of man that tells you that it’s uncool, inappropriate, culturally unacceptable, or “just plain wrong.” I wouldn’t trade my friendship with Cassie for the world. Don’t let the culture dictate how you conduct your friendships. After posting this, I will post the lyrics to a song by DC Talk called “Say The Words.” …I think we could all benefit from listening to it. That one song has shaped the way I treat Cassie and my other close girl friends more than any other influence, mainly because it’s such a taboo topic in our culture that no one ever tries to deal with it from a biblical worldview. Yes, I have spent an inordinate amount of time on this topic, but as I just said, this is something that I rarely, if ever, see dealt in the culture and it grieves me to see young men growing up with no ability to “live with their wives in an understanding way” because they’ve never really interacted with girls outside of their family or their girlfriends.

Teenage Marriage – Part 4.3.2 – Uncomplicating Marriage

Part 4.3.2

Part 4.1/Part 4.2/Part 4.3.1/Part 4.3.2/Part 4.3.3/

However, that being said, we have both based our decisions to pursue (passively on her part, actively on my part) a relationship with another person in our lives based off of clearly defined biblical principles and standards and not emotions. But when the decision on who to pursue comes down to each other or another person who also meets all the biblical standards but is additionally someone we are romantically attracted to, we choose the latter. We are incredibly close friends and are often mistaken for a couple, but both of us are perfectly satisfied with our relationship the way it is and can see the other person happily married to another person yet the two of us still remaining close friends (although that friendship will have to change to some degree after one of gets married).

I know I’m deviating from my point by spending so much time on this, but this is a topic that repeatedly gets brought to the forefront of my mind when I observe the christian culture around me. 1^st Timothy 5:2 says: “[Treat] younger women as sisters, with absolute purity.” ”Treat younger women as sisters…” …That is completely counter to today’s attitude towards young women. They are treated as objects, things to by admired and used to gratify desires, particularly physical/sexual desires. A girl and a guy can’t be close friends in today’s culture without everyone around them assuming that there is “something going on.” As I said earlier, I’ve had to deal with this in my friendship with Cassie. However, we have decided that we aren’t going to care what others think, we’re going to love and care for each other like we’re the siblings under God that the Bible tells us we are. Even the Christians that understand that it should be okay for guys and girls to be friends say that we cannot act affectionate emotionally or physically towards each other. …But is that how a good brother/sister pair act? No, they hug, embrace, compliment and help each other. Of course, I know what you’re thinking: “Wait a minute Trey, what about the second half of that verse, the part that says ‘with all purity’ …doesn’t that mean that we are to abstain from physical and emotional expressions of affection and intimacy in order to remain pure?” No, not necessarily. You may have missed this earlier, but when talking about Cassie and our feelings towards each other, I implied that we actually speak to each other about it.

Ever heard of a DTR? It means “Define The Relationship.” This is a great idea that I’ve seen discussed in several dating/courting books. It is a time where two “just friends” of the opposite gender sit down to have an honest discussion of their feelings towards each other. If there are any expectations of a future relationship by either party, this is expressed here fully and honestly. If there isn’t, which is the more likely scenario, you have the confidence that you are remaining pure in your relationship with the other person and that you have not stirred up any baseless assumptions of romantic intent on your part in the other person. It is very easy for that to happen, especially with girls. A close friend of the opposite gender does something (hugs you, singles you out in a group, etc) that makes you wonder if they “like” you. The more often this happens, the more certain you become that they are interested in you. It starts to consume your thoughts as you grow impatient for them to express their interest in you. Eventually your feelings get out or they show up with a girlfriend or something that indicates that the other person really only ever considered you just a friend and you crash emotionally. What a DTR does is eliminate the possibility of this happening (most of it, at least, this is why it is very important to keep DTR conversations completely honest and clear.). It can be uncomfortable, yes, but it is definitely worth it. For two people like me and Cassie, it doesn’t necessarily have to be a one-on-one awkward conversation, since we’re both very counter-cultural and don’t believe in that kind of awkwardness. Instead, it is a fairly common topic that comes up in our conversations with each other, even sometimes in group conversations. I can’t count the amount of times where both of us have clearly stated, before each other and before others, that there is absolutely no romantic interest between us.