Part 4 – Uncomplicating Marriage
In Part 1 of this series on teenage premarital relationships, I argued that the pursuit of a spouse shouldn’t be nearly as complicated as the modern culture (christian and non-christian alike) tells us it should be. I explained that finding and pursuing a future wife or husband is as simple as “ find a godly gal, treat her right, talk to her parents, pop the question, tie the knot, and start making babies.” Now, in this part, I ‘d like to explain how that principle applies itself practically into our every-day lives.
Dating is a very complex procedure. It involves a lot of planning, preparation, sweat and courage. There’s the fluttery heart of the original attraction, the nervousness of asking them out, the planning of the date, the obsessive preparation, and, worst of all, the walking into the room seeing your date’s dad polishing his shotgun (ya’ll livin up north may not get that). Sure, the specific circumstances may vary depending on your income class, family background, or local traditions, but the principle is the same – it’s no easy task. We like this way of doing things because we think that if we have to go through that much trouble to get something, it’s definitely worth it. This is a common misconception. Take caviar for example. We think it’s a delicacy because it’s hard to get and very expensive, but it is still just as disgusting, smelly and distasteful as ever. We also like taking the hard, complicated way because it’s popular and because it gives us the temporary illusion of control. We like the fact that we decide to do what we want with who we want when we want, especially the guys (I can’t speak for the girls). We’re Americans (applies to most of the western cultures in the world). It’s in our nature to want to control things, and we’re constantly bombarded with the the message that we can and should want control over everything.
But is that the correct attitude to have? This may shock you, but we are only the second or third generation of people that have believed that getting married is this long, drawn out process where we go through intimate relationships with many members of the opposite sex before finding “the one,” with a period of intense mental stress beforehand about whether or not that person is interested in having said relationship with you. We are supposedly the most enlightened generation(s) of mankind, yet we make such a simple process like finding a spouse so complex that it has an enormous negative influence on all our relationships in life and drastically affects our mental and spiritual growth in our most important formative years (the “teen” years). Throughout most of history, the spouse-finding process went basically as Kevin Young said in my quote earlier. Guys and girls developed good, courteous, honorable friendships with one another. When a guy believed himself able to marry, he pursued one of his lady friends based on recommendations from his parents and peers, the qualities and talents of the girl in question, and his attraction towards her, which was not always a significant factor. They courted for a while, participating in each other’s daily lives, and when they decided that the match was indeed a good one (more often than not, since the relationship was based off of practical reasons instead of untrustworthy emotions), they got married. In some cultures and time periods, the courtship part was entirely eliminated, the couple going straight from being friends to being engaged.
“But this is 2009, Trey! We don’t do things that way any more! The availability of cars, planes, phones, internet, etc, allows us to have many more female friends than they had back in the “olden days” of courtship, and dating is really the only way to find out which one of those girls is “the one” that we are destined to grow old and die with.” If that’s so, then why, in a culture that solely uses dating as the method in which to get married, do 50% of all marriages end in divorce? Contrast that with the eras of courting and suitship where divorce was incredibly rare, rare enough that a divorcee was considered a lower caste of being since divorce only happened under the most extraordinary circumstances, usually sexual infidelity. That figure doesn’t even take into account the fact that a typical modern “break-up” of a dating relationship would have been considered as serious as a divorce in the “olden times.” In many cases (such as in the Bible), an actual divorce process was required to negate even an engagement. When a couple became romantically involved, chances were they would be married for life. Now even a marriage isn’t permanent. What causes this willingness to negate a lifetime covenant? Dating. People who spend their entire adolescent lives having mini-marriages and mini-divorces with their friends via dating tend to take the marriage commitment very lightly, as by that time they have already developed a habit of ignoring it.
The facts are very clear: When finding someone to marry was considered a simple task, marriages lasted for a lifetime. When doing so is made into a complicated process, we become more apt to split up. Why is this the case? Because the courtship, suitship and betrothal processes used throughout history focused on mutual satisfaction and the building of a prosperous and happy family while the dating method focuses on instant and total gratification of selfish desires. As soon as a girlfriend/boyfriend stops making us happy or satisfying our needs, we cast them off for another person who seems to do so. This attitude developed while dating is the reason why people are more willing to divorce. The goal in marrying today is to find someone that makes you completely happy and satisfied, and we date until we think we’ve found someone that will do just that. However, true lifetime satisfaction is found in service to Jesus Christ alone, and no person on earth can act as a substitute for that, leading to eventual dissatisfaction, leading to divorce. What we need to do to fix this is to uncomplicate marriage – make it about love instead of gratification, serving instead of being served, giving instead of getting. This is the biblical approach, this is the practical approach, this is the historically proven approach. I’m not asking you to stop dating, just if you do date, make it about the other person – serve them, please them. That applies to guys and girls. Guys, just because your role in marriage is leadership and hers is service doesn’t mean she has to do everything you want. You are serving her just as she is serving you, you are providing her with your God-given ability to lead and protect, she is providing you with her God-given ability to help you, love you, care for you, and bear/raise children (which you then serve by leading). Marriage, and by natural consequence, dating and courting, is about mutual servitude. Treat it as such and God will bless you with a lifetime of happiness with the love of your life.
Logic, reason, history, the wisdom of our elders and the Bible all come together to show us that if we over-complicate the spouse-finding process and make it about us instead of them, divorce and “break-up” rates increase and lifetime marriages and truly romantic relationships decrease. We must return to our historical and biblical roots in this regard if we want to avoid devastating relationships and unsatisfying marriages.
See, God made men to need a woman in their life, and vice versa. This need is eventually fulfilled through marriage, but there are still 20 or more years of our life where we aren’t married Are we to simply ignore our God-given desires for these guy-girl relationships? No. Before you go all Fundamentalist on me, think about the relationship between a close sister and brother. Is it the same as the relationship between two brothers or two sisters? No, absolutely not. It’s a lot more intimate, a lot closer, a lot more affectionate. …Because of our need for a close companion of the opposite gender. And what does Paul say about other young ladies? We already discussed this: treat them like sisters. Guys, do you treat your sister like most people tell you you should treat other girls? Girls, same question to you about your brothers. I hope not, that’d be incredibly cold of you. Yes, the relationship between a brother and sister is not at all like the relationship between a husband and a wife. But that is because the husband/wife relationship is what the brother-sister relationships we have before marriage prepares us for. Men, imagine trying to “live with your wife in an understanding manner” (1st Pet 3:7) if you haven’t had any close relationship with any girl before then! You wouldn’t have a clue why she breaks down crying when you get her a blender for her birthday or a toaster for your anniversary! “But I thought you like to blend stuff, honey!” “I DO! *sobs* YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND! *runs to room to cry*” …Amen? 
