Before I dive into the different ways to conduct a relationship, I think it would be helpful to define the three terms in the title of this post, just for clarification.
Dating: The act of “going out” with multiple people of the opposite gender, and eventually “getting serious” with one of them. Throughout this process, many “break-ups” are experienced, where one or both people will decide that the relationship no longer “works” for them, and that they should discontinue “seeing” each other. Eventually, you will marry one of the people with whom you “become serious.”
Courting: The act of a young man treating a young lady with the explicit and publicly known purpose of marriage. The purpose is to only court one young lady in your life, and you only court a close friend, one that you know well enough to believe that they will be a suitable partner. This process is done with the full knowledge and permission of the parents or authority figures of both people involved. While this can be done outside of Christianity, it is usually done with the purpose in mind to have a biblical relationship with the other person, one who’s main purpose is to assist each other in their spiritual life.
Betrothal. Same as courting, except that various restrictions are often put in place, such as a vow to never touch the young lady until the wedding day, a vow to wait at least a year until marriage, etc. A lot of the vows/rules in betrothal are taken straight out of the Bible, and a prime example for this kind of relationship is the way that Joseph treated Mary, the virgin mother of God.
I am not going to write my post on the different views at this point, as 1) that would make the post waaay too long, and 2) I don’t have the time at this moment to do that. These are MY definitions of the three different approaches, and I would appreciate your feedback in any way to them, whether you think that one of them is wrong, or whether you want to go ahead and express your views on which you think are biblical. I will, however, be following this post up with another one expressing my views on these three approaches, and that should be posted within a few days.
Filed under: Christian teens, Religion, Uncategorized | Tagged: betrothal, courting, dating, relationships
A book you might find useful is 5 Paths to the Love of Your Life. Gives the five major schools of thought out there a good comparative analysis
Hmm. sound interesting. Thanks for the recommendation!
Wow. I just looked at the authors/debaters of the book, and saw Rick Holland on there. He is teaching a conference at my church next Friday.
Just thought I’d offer my opinion, as a betrothal advocate. For my family, the difference between betrothal and courtship looks something like this:
Courtship: friendship – courtship – betrothal/engagement – marriage
Betrothal: friendship – betrothal(a vow to marry) – courtship – marriage
The goal is to provide a safe, one way bridge between friendship and romance, where the “falling in love” is protected by a vow to marry. “We’ve become good friends, decided (with our parents blessing/counsel) that we could serve the Lord better together and enjoy life together and we’re going to get married. Now we no longer have to guard our hearts…we’re getting married!”
I’m looking forward to your article, Trey!
Blessings,
Abigail @ Pearls and Diamonds
Well, I am a part of Abigail’s family now, so I certainly go for the definition she provided (which is what my husband and I did). I’ll just add that the classic (and I would say Biblical) definition of a betrothal is a vow to marry which cannot be broken off by anything but divorce–it is binding. That’s your simple, textbook definition. And the typical way of entering a betrothal is by consenting and committing to marry one another after having gained the permission and blessing of the parents–and the decision is based more on wisdom than on feelings (though feelings may certainly be present, they have been concealed and subdued until this point.).
So just add that understanding to Abigail’s timeline that shows that romance is not permitted until an unbreakable vow to marry has been made, and you will have a pretty good understanding of what we call betrothal.
As for vows to touch/not touch…in general, the betrothal period is the time for the man to prepare a home for his new family and for love to be expressed verbally, for the hearts to begin to become one–the man has a claim on the woman’s heart at this point, because he has vowed to take her as his wife. Physical expressions of love and physical union are saved for the time when it is appropriate: when the man actually does take her to be his wife. Only then does he have a claim on her body. So whether specific vows are made not to touch each other, the understanding is that there is a time for emotional union to begin (when the vow to marry has been made), and a time for physical union to begin (the wedding day, when the vow is consummated). Not everyone who practices betrothal today would follow this, but the model itself kinda begs for it.
Hope that helps.
Grace and Peace,
Lauren @ Pearls and Diamonds
Thank you very much for your veiws/definitions on Betrothal, Abigail and Lauren. I hope to have my post up soon.
[...] In this post, I discussed the definitions of the three ways to conduct a relationship, Dating, Courting, and Betrothal. Abigail and Lauren of Pearls and Diamondskindly corrected me on my definition of betrothal. Read the comments on the first post to see their definition. [...]
It’s been a while since I’ve checked up on your blog, so I figured it’s high time I’ve visited and left a thought.
While you have presented a clear understanding of what is healthy and what is dangerous in a relationship, I think you’ve oversimplified things to the extent that you can pretty much define dating as “the wrong way” and courtship/betrothal as “the right ways. While the trend is valid, I think that this is a superficial dichotomy. It someone says that they are dating, do you automatically assume that they are going about this wrongly? And if they say that they are courting, do you assume that they are doing it correctly? Maybe you do, but I would submit that this is uncharitably judgmental. I’ve known plenty of people who have “dated” but conducted it in the guidelines that you’ve lain out in your definition of courtship, and I’ve known people who’ve “courted” but did it seemingly with no intention to go further.
I guess my point is that what you call the intermediary relationship before marriage doesn’t determine whether or not it glorifies God. I think Josh Harris has a section in his book “Boy Meets Girl” about why dating versus courting isn’t the point. The point is how you protect your heart in whatever you call the relationship that you’re in. And protecting your heart will (not might) look different for different people. Dating isn’t the wrong way, lusting, impurity, unfaithfulness, and other sins are the wrong ways and they are equally available in a courtship or in a betrothal.
I hope I added some to your thought process.
Looking forward to reading your article.
-Peter
Thanks for the thoughtful comment, Peter! I have written the rest of the series, and they are scheduled to post over the next few days. I suggest reading them, as I believe they address those issues. If you have any further disagreements, I would be glad to discuss them with you.