“Men, if you want to be married, find a godly gal, treat her right, talk to her parents, pop the question, tie the knot, and start making babies.” –Kevin DeYoung, “Just Do Something”
Radical, huh? Dad handed me Just Do Something a couple weeks ago after quoting that to me. I thought I was a radical extremist when it came to marriage, but he blew even some of my ideals away. I had never even considered the fact that it may, in fact, be that simple. Try as I may, I can’t find anything even the slightest bit unbiblical in that quote, or even in his entire chapter on “Getting Hitched.” The closer I examine that statement, the more I realize that it isn’t oversimplified one bit. Every point in it rings true. Let’s look at it a bit closer for a sec, shall we?
“Men.” Kevin correctly implies that it is the man’s responsibility to initiate such a relationship and points out that we men need to take an active role in the proccess instead of just “letting go and letting God.” …All in one word. I’m impressed.
“If you want to be married.” He makes it obvious that he’s not demeaning singleness straight from the get-go or eliminating the possibility of lifelong celibacy.
“Find a godly gal.” This part is a lot more radical than it seems. Again, he emphasizes the man’s need to be proactive in the spouse-finding relationship instead of just “waiting for the right girl to come along” by using the active word “find.” Also, “godly gal” brings to the table the indispensable yet often overlooked doctrine that believers must marry other believers. 2cd Corinthians 6:14: ” Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?”
“Treat her right.” Kevin mentions this before he gets into the courting/dating process. Interesting, huh? I may be looking farther into this phrase than Kevin intended, but he makes (if unknowingly so) an excellent point here. If we guys want to attract godly young women, we shouldn’t be focused on impressing the girls, we should be focused on honoring the girls. Be the knight in shining armor. But get rid of the shining armor. It’s showy and attractive, but that’s not what you want to impress girls with, it’s the fact that you’d die shoving her out of the way of an incoming car without a second’s pause, even if you’ve never met them before. We need to slay the dragons, yes, but we don’t need to make it into the storybooks (newspapers/blog posts/etc) for our dragon-slaying adventures. You can be the poorest, ugliest guy on the entire planet, but if you treat girls with courtesy and honor, that’s all you’ll need. This concept must carry into all of our relationships, not just our ones involving a romantic interest. If we guys are only civil and polite to girls that we are interested in, then we are projecting a facade to those people, one that will quickly drop after you are married and no longer worry about impressing the other person.
“Talk to her parents.” This brings to light one of the biggest flaws in the 21st century spouse-finding proccess – lack of parental involvement. We don’t ask our parents to date someone, we tell them that we are leaving for a date. We don’t make sure that our parents know about our intentions to court someone before the other person does so they can have a chance to get to know them before approving the union, we bring home a girl that we met in college and announce our intentions to our parents. This is probably the most radical part of the proccess that I’ve touched on so far (aside from openly denoucing dating). We shouldn’t be informing our parents of our intentions towards a certain person or tell them that we’ve got a date on Saturday, we need to be asking them if they think it’d be a good idea to pursue a certain person in a dating/courting relationship (Prov 6:20-24). I don’t need to give an example of the way the culture does it, you already know that, no matter how “uncultured” you are. But allow me to give an example of the right way to do things.
“Pop the question.” Sounds simple doesn’t it? The culture tells us that the decision to marry someone should be the most difficult, most mind-wrecking decision we’ll ever face. It’s all based around the belief that there is “THE One” out there that we will marry, the one guy/girl that God has chosen and raised specifically to be married to us. We’re paranoid that we’ll choose someone else than the One that God has chosen for us and that if we don’t choose Him we’ll be miserable for the rest of our lives. It’s not that complicated! There isn’t “The Guy” or “The Girl” out there that we must get married to or risk straying off of God’s plan for our lives. True, God knows what is going to happen and has predestined from the beginning of time the person you will marry, but that doesn’t mean that it’s even remotely possible for you to choose the wrong person. Any godly person you choose to marry will be a sanctioned, blessed marriage by God. Any mature godly man and woman should be able to be married happily for their entire lives. So it really is as simple as finding a godly young lady, treating her right, asking her parents to court/date her, and “popping the question.” As long as you marry a godly person of the opposite gender, your union will be blessed by God.
“Tie the knot.” …Get married.
“Start making babies.” This one made me smile and grimace at the same time. I smiled because of his amusing, not-so-subtle effort to non-offensively say “have sex,” but I also grimaced because I’ve been realizing lately how many people consider children an optional part of marriage. A godly husband must be committed to raising children, and a godly wife must be committed to having them.”Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!” -Psalm 127:2-5a. This topic needs a lot more space than I have left in this part so I will close up and come back (Lord willing) to this topic later on in this series.
Kevin’s section in his book on marriage is simply amazing and definitely worth the price of the book. But in case you can’t afford it, or you are too lazy (or “preoccupied,” if you prefer) to read it, I’ll sum it up with another quote from that chapter: “I know this may sound crass, and your parents might not appreciate the advice, but guys, if you like a girl and you’re both Christians and your friends and family aren’t alarmed and she actually likes you back, you should probably get married.”
Thanks for bearing with me as I find every possible rabbit trail to venture off on in this series. I know that this is somewhat of an introductory style post,a nd I already did one of those, but the good thing about this one is that it is divided into maneagable topics that I can elaborate on in individual posts. So feel free to think of this as the second part of the introduction.
Filed under: Anti-cultural living, Bible-based essays, Christian teens, Dating/Courtship, Religion | Tagged: betrothal, courtship, dating, engagement, marriage, teenage marriage
A question for consideration in the context of this post: When does a boy become a man? It is clear to me that _boys_ should not go about doing this process you are writing about, since the author addressed _men_.
I do not look at his use of the word “men” as distinguishing between adults and preadolescents, but rather as distinguishing between male and female.
But boys should not marry. You need to become a man first in order to take care of a woman. A man is not measured by age but by character, maturity, and how they act.
Yes, but everyone has their own definition of the words. One person could define someone as a boy in a manner that meant he is able to get married, and one person could define a man in such a way that he is ineligible. In this particular case, that word is being used to speak to males. I wouldn’t say that boys couldn’t get married because there is no hard-and-fast definition of boys. If you define a boy as someone that has not finished growing yet, a lot of young men grow even into their early twenties. If you define it as pre-13, then I would agree that they could not get married. But that issue is not really related to this post, let’s try to keep the comments on-topic, please.
Oh, these comments are definitely on topic. I think the girls are exactly right that only men should consider marriage. A man is someone who has reached a certain level of physical, mental and emotional maturity (and as Christians, we should include spiritual maturity). A boy is a male who has not yet matured.
Now, when I say “a certain level”, that leaves room for interpretation, but it still isn’t hard to define. How about this: Does he have the ability to provide for his family? Is he given to unreasonable fits of jealousy? Does he prefer spending his free time with other boys playing video games and such? Does he know how to make wise decisions, balance a checkbook, do the laundry, take care of his car? Does he get angry when things don’t go his way? Is he ready for a lifetime commitment to a wife and children? Is he humble enough to ask for advice? Is he devoted to God?
I believe that some young men and women are ready to marry earlier than the cultural norm, but the major holdup will be financial independence. I know you discuss that in your first introduction to the topic, although this one doesn’t mention it. I agree that a couple should not marry and then plan to live with their parents or be supported by them. They should be ready for independence, and these days, it takes time and education/vocational training to achieve that. And realistically, you can’t count on the wife working if she’s going to “start making babies”. Even if she doesn’t plan to start soon, life is full of surprises, and a baby should be a happy one, not a financial crisis. So that’s the big dilemma to me–how can a teenager support his family? And unfortunately, that is a little complicated!
This thread has nested so far that the comments will become incredibly narrow. I’ll post my response as an original comment.
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I enjoyed this post, Trey. I’ll wait until you have more time to finish up the section on children (you said a post was forthcoming) before commenting on your part about having babies.
Thanks, Jeremy. The (tentative) title for the one on having children is “Multigenerational Mindset”. Not sure what number it’ll be, though.
Thanks for your comment, Mrs. Torrence. If that is how one defines “boy,” then I would agree with your qualifications.
“So that’s the big dilemma to me–how can a teenager support his family? And unfortunately, that is a little complicated!”
It is my opinion that a teenager CAN support a family and CAN be a “man.” 100 years ago, “teenagers” were mature, contributing members of society, and it’s only with the emergence of the concept of “adolescence” in these past few decades that has, in the words of Al Mohler, made teenagers consumers instead of contributors. We have the capability to act as and be mature, responsible adults (even though I am by no means an example in this regard). But, when little is expected, little is received. The culture’s perception of a “good” teenager is one that doesn’t go to jail, doesn’t do drugs, and doesn’t flunk high school (also from Al Mohler). While there are some legal limitations on when a young man is capable on when he can begin to start his own family, the point at which we strive to “leave and cleave” should not be far beyond these government-imposed age restrictions. It is definitely possible, and with determination plausible, but it will take a long time to impress this fact on society. …Which I do believe is actually happening, by the way. I was listening to Al Mohler’s radio broadcast today (where I got the quotes), and the quests were Alex and Brett Harris, founders of The Rebelution (dohardthings.com). Al Mohler called them “well-known in the evangelical community,” and said that The Rebelution is actually starting to have a noticeable effect on the conservative christian culture at large (being publicly endorsed by people like John Piper and C.J Mahaney helps spread the message much faster and have greater impact.). One of the side effects of a generation with the mindset that we as teens are supposed to be mature, responsible young adults (the theme of The Rebelution) will be the drastic lowering of the average marriage age. If teens start to treat the teen years as the launchpad of life instead of a time to just goof off and have fun, they would start marrying much younger. The culture had this mindset in the past, and I believe that it still has a chance of regaining it. Yes, as you said, it’s complicated. But so is the rest of life. So is every other major decision we’re going to have to make. And we need to start preparing ourselves for those decisions at 13 instead of 23. We need to start preparing to be godly husbands and wives from the very minute we are capable of grasping the concept. We don’t need to start thinking about marriage at 23 or 33, we need to start thinking about it as soon as we are physically capable of doing so. We need to prepare ourselves at the ages of 7 and 10 and 12 to be making “complicated” and hard decisions by the time we are mid way through our teen years.
Hi Trey,
Well, I agree that we should expect more from teenagers than our society has in the past. They should be preparing for life, not just focusing on entertainment and consumption. It is definitely possible for a young man of 16 or 17 to be physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually ready for marriage. It’s just that pesky financial challenge that makes it so hard. Yes, theoretically, it can be done. But I don’t know anyone who’s done it without help from their parents. Except maybe the Harris boy who has conveniently written a bestseller… and would that have been a bestseller if he didn’t come from an already famous family?
I recently worked for a mortgage company, and I helped two couples get loans on houses that cost less than $70,000 with payments around $600 a month. They qualified based on both spouses’ incomes, and absolutely would not have qualified based on his alone. So it’s fine for now, but what happens when the wife gets pregnant? Either she is not working any more, or they are paying for child care. Either way, it could be a financial disaster. That leads to extreme stress, which isn’t good for any marriage, but particularly a young one. Or the man gets a second job, works 18 hours a day, and never sees his little family. Another bad alternative.
How about this option: I say that a young couple ought to express their maturity by waiting until they are financially ready for marriage. That means he has a single job that can support his family, she doesn’t have to work, and they don’t have to depend on their parents or the government for support. So yes, do hard things. Waiting is definitely a hard thing, but it may be the wise thing.
I totally agree Mrs. Torrence! With the comment about Alex
Harris, a key thing is that he is 20, not 14.
But in regards to your last point about waiting, I like how my parents put it to me once, saying that it also shows more love. It shows that a person loves you enough to wait until both of you are ready. It shows a willingness for the man to selflessly put aside his own feelings and desires in order to take care and provide for his wife or wife to be.
There is a difference between selflessly putting aside one’s desires and willingly placing a stumbling block of sexual temptation in front of ourselves by prolonging an engagement or courtship relationship just to satisfy a few pet peeves. You do not need to go to college to get married (especially if you are a woman), you do not need to graduate high school(as a woman), you do not need a more fulfilling or well-paying job before you get married if you have covered the basics, but you DO NEED to stay out of compromising situations that provide a strong sexual temptation.
Okay, so now after reading this particular post, I kind of understand the point you’re trying to make about “the One.”
What a wonderful way for your sister to have met her husband!
The last part of the book you quoted about finding a Christian girl and marrying her if no one objects needs to be examined more critically. The Christians of today behave just the same as the non-Christians. Of course, this doesn’t apply to everyone, but I’ve known many so called Christians who have a very wordly mindset.
I’m not saying that it is suitable to marry anyone that claims to be a Christian, but one that truly IS. This means that they display the Fruits Of The Spirit in their life and their growth in godliness is seen by others.
The problem with, ‘it is a man’s responsibility’ is the same as the problem with ‘let go and let God’; neither are Biblical.
What is Biblical is for the Godly father to find a spouse for his Godly son.
Von,
You:
“The problem with, ‘it is a man’s responsibility’ is the same as the problem with ‘let go and let God’; neither are Biblical.”
1) Asserting that a fact is biblical without using any Bible references won’t get you much credibility. Not saying you’re wrong, just pointing out that people will take you a lot more seriously if, when you point out something that is supposedly obvious, that you use facts (bible verses) to support it.
You: “The problem with, ‘it is a man’s responsibility’ is… [that it isn't] …Biblical”
2) You’re going to have to show me from the Bible that it is not a man’s responsibility to find himself a wife.
You:
“What is Biblical is for the Godly father to find a spouse for his Godly son.”
3) Guess what? I agree! But what if the young man HAS no Godly father? Or what if the young man’s father doesn’t agree that it’s his responsibility? or what if the father believes it’s his responsibilty but the son doesn’t? or what if the son isn’t godly? or what if the only good, Christian girl available’s father believes that the only suitable method is courtship? I happen to agree with you (I read through some of your stuff on your blog) that betrothal is the most biblical method of finding a spouse (whether or not it was arranged by the parents). However, almost no one else I know does. The girl I’d want to marry (speaking in the future tense here) most likely won’t. My father won’t (he’s a courtship/guided dating proponent). If I and my family lived in Bible times, I would fully expect to use the method of betrothal in finding a spouse. But I don’t. We don’t. We don’t live in Bible times anymore, our culture doesn’t believe in betrothal (as compared to the Isrealite’s situation, where it was commonly practiced among most if not all nations that they ever ran into). I can’t expect a godly young girl I’m interested in to go from friendship to engaged (from her point of view), because she (most likely) hasn’t grown up in an environment where it was taught. What we CAN do, however, is take the principles that the Israelites practiced and that God commanded and implement them into our search for a spouse.
4) God told the Isrealities to marry one another through the process of betrothal. I fully acknowledge that. However, we are not the Israelites. We are Americans (well, at least I am, I can’t speak for you). We are not binded by the covenant between God and the Isrealites that commanded betrothal. If you think we are, then when was the last time you sacrificed a pigeon or a spotless lamb at the temple? We don’t even have temples anymore, we have churches (unless you are Jewish, in which case this whole argument is a moot point since we don’t even share the same religion). We are under the New Covenant, not the Old. While the Old Covenant provides many good principles for us to implement in our daily lives, we are not bound to them as law. We are given much more freedom in our actions under the New Covenant than under the Old (for instance: a Levitical priest could not touch an alcoholic drink, while Paul commands Timothy to drink wine for his weak stomach and that elders are to simply not be “lovers of much wine.” [Tit 2:3] Also, under the Old Covenant, none of God’s people were allowed to eat meat/food that had been sacrificed to idols. However, in 1st Cor 8, Paul says that we are to only refrain from eating such meat if it causes a Brother who believes such eating evil to stumble in sin. However, the eating of the meat is not, in fact evil, but we must respect our Brother’s opinions and beliefs in the matter (pay special attention to v8).
Again, if we lived in a betrothal-practicing culture, I would by all means be in favor of it. However, we do not live in such a culture and cannot practically practice betrothal. When I decide to pursue a pre-marital relationship with a young lady, I will leave it up to her father to decide what method I am to use to do so, making sure he understands however, that the purpose of the relationship IS marriage. If he tells me to date his daughter, I’ll date her. If he tells me to court her, I’ll court her. If he tells me to betroth her, I’ll betroth her. If he tells me to back off, I’ll back off. It’s his decision. And my parents aren’t out of the picture either, every step of the way will be done with their counsel and approval (because I have been blessed with extremely godly parents).